Alone

December 6th, 2011 - a letter:
"I long for the intimacy and emotional bonds that come with marriage. Some days, it's especially hard knowing that God has placed this longing in me, yet at the same time does not allow me to satisfy it yet. I know that woman was designed for companionship with man, and although my overall purpose and story is much bigger than that, it still tugs at my heart. For today, I need to focus on my desire for God and how He can fill my heart's longings more than any man. It really amazes me when I stop to think about it - that these feminine desires I have were given to me as an arrow, pointing me to Who Christ is. I long for love, and God shows it. I want security and identity in someone better than I am, and being God's child provides that. I want someone to protect and comfort me, and God faithfulness is my Rock and Shield. I long to look beautiful in the eyes of the person I love, and God makes me sinless in His eyes. I want romance and adventure in life, and yet what is more romantic than the gentle wooing of Jesus' love, and the adventure of His death and resurrection. He'll never leave me or disappoint me, never grow tired of who I am or say that I'm not enough, never give up because I've gone too far beyond His love. And I say, 'my God, that is enough.'"

I think that one of the ways Satan likes to bring us down is by convincing us of loneliness. When we go through struggles and hardships, we often feel like there's no one there for us to turn to. Not only that, but it seems that our experience is unique, so even if someone was there to sympathize, they wouldn't understand. This lonely feeling leads us to some of the darkest moments in our lives.

So what can we do about our loneliness? Well, we can start by being comforted that God recognizes this feeling and actually anticipated it from the very start. Even before the fall, God looked at Adam and said that it was not good for him to be alone. He had perfect communion with God, total immersion in nature, surrounded by the fresh beauty of a new creation. . . and yet, God saw a problem. So "ta-dah!" - in comes the woman. Marriage, intimacy, companionship - these are the things God provided as a solution to being alone.

But, as in most things, the fall has marred His perfect plan. And so, we must struggle through life feeling alone, and experiencing brokenness in our relationships. Even in the best of marriages or friendships, hurt happens and trust is lost at times. How do we deal with this? How to we fight that temptation to isolate when we feel alone in our struggles, rather than bring them to light and bear each others' burdens? Being single is one of the most common "complaints" of young, Christian adults. Our Lord has placed in us that desire for companionship, and it can be so frustrating when that desire isn't fulfilled in ways we think it ought to be.

First, I think we need to embrace our desire for companionship. After all, God did! It's easy to push it aside and think that it's "weak" or un-spiritual to desire a man or woman to share our life with. However, the story of Adam and Eve, and the entire book of Song of Songs clearly shows us that love, marriage, and relationship are things that come from God, good things, that we need to accept.

I think the next step is harnessing those desires for good purposes now. Embracing those desires opens the temptation to become "antsy" and flirtatious, trying to work out the fulfillment of our desires in our own way. But even in this issue of the heart, God asks for trust. After all, He was the one who solved Adam's problem of loneliness - can't we trust him to solve our own? Let us therefore use the strength of those desires in our heart to pursue Christ. After all, we must remember that earthly relationships, even marriage, are "icing on the cake" sort of blessings, not necessities. God has given them to us as good gifts, because He designed us and understands our desires. However, He has also offered Himself for companionship and we must learn to be satisfied with that, the "cake itself", before go asking for extra. This is a life-long process, so let's begin to take part in the romance that our Savior has laid out for us.

Christmas Confusion

Some days, it really strikes me how different our Christmas holiday is from the first Christmas, when Jesus was born. It's not just the materialism and stuff that has began to personify Christmas, although granted, that is a stark contrast. When a dirty stable, full of hay and animal droppings and a young, poor couple are looked at next to my home; large, comfortable, and warm with plenty all around me, it makes me pause to think.

But this year, I've been considering how much confusion and heart-break must have surrounded that first Christmas. It began with Mary when she heard the news from the angel that she was pregnant. Her immediate response was confusion [she was greatly troubled], something I can understand. Surely, she had dreams about how her life would go - being married to Joseph and beginning a home on her own terms; living perhaps poorly, but comfortably and happily with her husband; raising a good, normal, God-honoring Jewish family. And then this - an unexpected pregnancy? That changed everything for her, and she probably felt like her dreams were shattered. I'm right there with her this year - crying out to God, "Why me? Why wasn't the future I had planned good enough? This may be better, but it doesn't seem like it right now. I don't want confusion and heart-ache - I just want a normal life with Joseph, like I had planned." And yet, in the end, her response was correct. In just that short time with the angel, she was able to submit to God. That doesn't mean she wasn't still mourning over her lost dreams, but she was accepting that God's will was superior, and recognizing that she wanted it more than she wanted her own dreams. And we know it turned out to be an amazing plan - God himself called her blessed among women, and she was.

Joseph was confused and heart-broken too. With the news of Mary's pregnancy, his dreams must have crumbled and his reputation was likely marred forever. His initial response was just like a man - do what I can to fix the problem! He chose the "proper" and right route, what God had laid out as law for the Jewish people, and something he had every right to do - "divorce" her, or break off the commitment of future marriage they had made. He must have cared about Mary, because he wanted to do it quietly, so she wasn't disgraced. We don't hear a lot about Joseph's heart in the matter, or what he felt about Mary. But when the angel came to him, he said [do not be afraid] - what was Joseph afraid of? His reputation? Being responsible for a child conceived by the Holy Spirit? Or marrying a women who was of questionable purity, and who he may not have even "loved"? I'm sure he mourned over his lost reputation, and the loss to his relationship with Mary. While they still got married, this changed the nature of that relationship forever. But again, Joseph ultimately obeyed God. Through his heart-ache and fear, he stood up and fought for his relationship with Mary, even though it was "marred" in the world's eyes. He accepted this change in plans, knowing that even though it was different, it would be better than he had imagined.

“For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,” declares the LORD. “As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts." -Isaiah 55:8-9

No matter how good or right our plans may be, God's ways are always better. I think it's appropriate to be heart-broken and confused when we discover that our plans won't come to pass. God says he is near to the broken-hearted, so it's clear that he understands it's a part of life and the human condition. I also think it's okay to mourn over our lost plans, when they were good and wholesome and of God. He made us to be creative beings, and expects that we will use our imaginations to dream of what we want in life. But ultimately, we must come to Him in humble obedience - realizing that the things life brings us (even the hard ones) are under His control. Nothing takes Him by surprise, and He promises to work all things to good for those who love Him. Quiet trust is what He asks of us.

How God has Worked [this semester]

School has been great. Loving every minute of my OB clinical experiences, and enjoying my med/surg ones too. Classes are insanely busy, especially for just 12 credits, but I'm keeping my head above water. Being busy helps time fly by and keeps my mind where it should be - not on myself.

first day of clinicals!

Friendships have continued to deepen, and I continually marvel at the people God has placed in my life here. He really has sustained me with friends this past year - so much encouragement and mutual growth. Time has not allowed to develop many new friends, but I've gotten to know a few freshmen.

I miss my family a lot this year. Not in a homesick way, as in the past, but just in that "I'm growing up" way. It makes me sad that I miss out on so much of their lives, but I do thank God for the times I've been able to go home and watch soccer/volleyball games, cuddle with the little ones, and talk with the older ones. We've skyped once, which was very exciting for all involved. :)

Mark and I have continue to grow closer in our relationship at a manageable rate. He is planning to go to graduate school next fall, probably somewhere far away, so we enjoy every moment we get together right now. 2.5 years doesn't sound like a long time, but it seems like a lifetime - hard to remember what it was like not having his calming and encouraging presence in my life, and not knowing what laughing with him was like. We've enjoyed spending more time with his family this fall, including his brother David, and sister in law, Emily.

me and Mark at a photo shoot with Nathan/Renee :)

Went to a really good sunday school lesson this weekend. He talked about how, in the Lord's Prayer, everything Jesus tells us to pray about are things that He has already promised us as believers. . . so why does He want us to pray about them? Won't they happen if we don't, since they are promised and they are God's will? He proposed that prayer is a means through which God performs his will. As we pray, God works the things He has planned for us. It's a way He has given us to be a part of what He's doing in our lives and in the lives of others, and in doing so, build relationship and intimacy with Him. Even through struggles and trials, prayer helps us gain a right perspective, not asking God to take pain away, but to use it to accomplish His will and draw us closer to His side.

"Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us."
Romans 5:3-5

Miss Bunny Pants

I would like to formally introduce you to the one and only Miss Reese's. She's basically the cutest ever. This first photo is of her as a little baby, the rest are more recent. She grows by leaps and bounds. . . and she also leaps and bounds, sometimes over her enclosure! Quite amazing, quiet and adorable. . . basically perfect.

On Forgiveness

This is borrowed from a blog written by a friend of a friend. :) Here's the link, if you're interested in reading more of what she has to say.

Have you ever taken a step back, looked at a situation, and realized that you've been making it a lot more complicated than it really needed to be? That was entirely rhetorical, because I know that you're just like me and have probably done this more than you realize. It's funny, because when you're in the middle of it, it sure doesn't seem like you're over reacting. It seems like you're reacting to the exact, appropriate degree. But I have been wrong, wrong, wrong.

Something finally clicked in my stubborn brain today. There is a person in my life that I find rather difficult to love. And my reservations, my concerns about honestly loving them, my doubts, they are warranted. Or, at least, they started out that way. (Though one concern in particular I'd probably categorize as simply human, and not at all warranted.) But I have been selfish.

For days (or months, if you really need to know...) I have talked myself, and my friends, in circles about why I am right in this situation. Why my failure to love them is excused because I have to protect my heart, and if that relationship has to suffer in order for me to do that, well, you can't win 'em all. And yet, I constantly feel this need for affirmation. This need for others to validate that mindset, to agree with me that I'm right... That would be because I wasn't right at all. I have been copping out.

I have been so caught up in the little things that I've lost sight of the big picture. I realize that I have spent entirely too much time thinking about all the reasons why I shouldn't love them, instead of remembering the one reason that I should: because Jesus does. Because Jesus asked me to. I took my doubts and blew them way out of proportion. Because it is so much easier to concentrate on being frustrated, on all the reasons why loving them is a bad idea, than to risk being hurt by sharing my heart with them.

And I think my selfish motives run even deeper. I was looking for reasons to be frustrated. Why? Because loving them is hard for me. It requires my vulnerability without any guarantee that I'll be protected in that vulnerability. It requires the kind of reckless love that I have been praying for but (I'm now understanding) I have been too afraid to live by. I'm afraid of being hurt. I'm afraid of making things messy. And I'm reluctant to step outside this comfort zone of half-hearted love that I seem to be very fond of.

But...

It isn't about me. Who do I think I am, to blatantly ignore the call to love someone, simply because it makes me uncomfortable? And my concerns didn't even start out as wrong. But that fact that I've been using them as reasons to excuse my selfish behavior? That is wrong.

I was wrong.

And the thing is, it doesn't make it any easier to love them. I think it will always be a struggle for me. That fear of being hurt, that desire to simply run away and let someone else love them is still there, still strong. But God doesn't call us to love each other like Christ because it is easy. He calls us to love each other the way he loves us because he knows how powerful love like that can be. It is that kind of love that changed my life. How dare I deny someone else the chance to know that kind of love? Because it's hard. Because I might get hurt. Because I'm too cowardly to love everyone the same.

Because I'm too selfish to love with reckless abandon and trust that God, not I, is in charge of protecting my heart.

Who do I think I am?

My call is to love. To love recklessly. To love everyone the same. To foster the same heart for people that God does. That's not what I've done at all.

I was wrong, wrong, wrong.

Troop Carrier or Luxury Liner?

The church, like the SS United States (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/SS_United_States) has been designed for battle. The purpose of the church is to mobilize a people to accomplish a mission. Yet we seem to have turned the church as troop carrier into the church as luxury liner. We seem to have organized ourselves, not to engage battle for the souls of the peoples around the world, but to indulge ourselves in the peaceful comforts of the world. This makes me wonder what would happen if we looked squarely into the face of a world with 4.5 billion people going to hell and 26,000 children dying every day of starvation and preventable diseases, and we decided it was time to move this ship into battle instead of sitting back on the pool deck while we wait for the staff to serve us more hors d'oeuvre.

-David Platt, Radical

Long Time, No See, eh?

Oh hi. Wow, I was reading through old blog posts of mine the other day and my glory days of blogging have definitely long passed me by. However, I will strive to provide a brief and entertaining synopsis of my adventures, going-ons, etc.

Last semester - Got more into nursing stuff, worked hard in some very challenging classes, and pushed through till the end. Some highlights were:

• making TONS of quality new friends, including one who has been more encouragement in my life than I thought possible;
• getting good grades and 3 nursing department scholarships for next school year;
• deciding to room with DANI STEELE next school year (Guys. Meet her. You will understand my overwhelming excitement);
• growing deeper in relationship with a godly older lady in Kirksville who has shown me what a faithful Christian and prayer warrior looks like;
• adventuring around Kirksville;
• taking 3 weeks away from a special person in my life in order to gain clearer perspective on life and relationships - I learned a lot and came to a much greater appreciation of the things I love;
  
• and just overall starting to genuinely enjoy living at school.

Abby visited for a week! That was cool too.

This summer started off with a perfectly wonderful week of hanging out with my family and this cool guy I know. Then he shipped off to Kansas City (well, Olathe, KS actually) to work all summer, and I have been here in Rolla since. So far, I have;

• Trying and failing to connect successfully with the CNA instructor so that I can get mah li'l self certee-fiable (take care of the elderly and assist nurses and such and such);
• bathed old people;
• bathed small children;
• acquired a bunny, a whole lot of crap (literally), and a daily job of mopping (oh - and he's super cute and I love him a lot);
• cleaned many inches of the Quakkelaars' house;
• spent a long weekend with Gracie and Zeko;
• played tons of random games, etc. etc. with the kiddos at this here house where I live;
• gone ridding several times;
• attended weddings (none of my own);
  
• taken a plethora of naps;
• skyped some of my super cool friend from St. Louis and KC;
• spent some time with friends from Rolla;
  
• gone walking with Mrs. Hickle;
• and begun the planning of a baby shower.

I'm now working out at Camp David for the next two weeks, which is (as always) an adventure! (a good one)

I miss blogging! I need to do it more often, that's for sure. Hope you all are having a beautiful summer and soaking up the rain and sunshine and goodness of God.