I read this blog post yesterday and have been thinking about it ever since.
Everyone I talk to has something different to say about my life right now - particularly, being single and yet longing for marriage and family.
"Focus less on finding the right person, and more on becoming the right person."
"You have to be fully content in your relationship with God before He is going to bring another relationship into your life."
"You are still so young - only 21 - and there are so many good guys out there! You just haven't met them yet."
"A life of singleness doesn't mean that God is holding out on you, or keeping you away from His best for you."
I am torn. Part of me wants to fully embrace the attitude of the blogger. I long to be freed from the idea of waiting, to live life fully and contentedly now. I definitely do not want my relationship with God to be dependent on Him delivering a Godly husband to me on a silver platter. I do believe in "a God who provides, loves and gives infinite purpose even to our
singleness."
But the other part of me looks inside and sees an entire bundle of desires, skills, and talents that line up with being a wife and a mother. Desires that seem to come from this God I serve. And I am lost about what to do with those.
Do I set them away in a tiny corner of my heart, hoping they will still be there when the time comes?
Do I toss them in the trash, pretend they never existed, and put on the brave face of celibacy?
Am I allowed to acknowledge them while I'm still single - or more importantly, in front of other people?
Or do I have to continue guiltily hiding these desires? Feeling like hanging onto them means that I am not Christian enough?
The only conclusion I have come to is that to focus on God is everything. It's like the reading a book or watching a TV show or movie. I have let myself get drawn into the story, follow the characters intently, wait for the plot to unfold. I hate trying to "guess" the end, or even worse - reading the last chapter first!
Basically, I have to trust the Author of the story of my life. I have to live this day, this page, right now. I have to see how the desires and passion He has given me play a part in my life today. If (when) I do dream about the future, I need to remember that there are so many possible endings to this story. That means I dream big.
And yes, I can allow myself to dream of a marriage for the Kingdom, where my husband and I work as a team every day for God. I can also dream of being single and moving to Africa, working to be a mother to many, many orphans. My dreams can still include things like a career change, moving every year to a new city, starting a NGO, adopting or fostering, raising children who love Jesus, learning to love sacrificially.
And when I dream, I have to give it to Jesus - the bundle of overwhelming desire for marriage and a family and the longing that brings me to tears.
What does it mean that I "give it to Jesus"? It means that everyday, I come to Him and say "Jesus, I want a husband. I want children of my own. I know I could do it, and do it well. I know that you have given me a heart for this. But today, that doesn't seem to mean anything. What should I do?"
Some days, this conversation leads to me seeing how my desires are being filled by Him. Other days, it leaves me feeling like He is not enough for everything I want.
But always, it humbles me and brings me to His feet to learn and grow closer to Him. And what more could I ask for?
