Eve: Shame or Confidence

"God saw all that he had made, and it was very good."

And yet, in all the good He had created, there wasn't anything that fit Adam just right, until God created woman. Adam's reaction on seeing Eve gives us a glimpse of what a beautiful woman she was. He breaks into the first poetry of this new world, a beautiful verse that would be shared for generations to follow as the beginning of the first love story. Together, they were in the garden - with trees "that were pleasing to the eye and good for food," rivers, and verdant valleys. And they were naked, and knew no shame.

This nakedness is one part of life that they lost after their fall into sin. The purity and freedom they experienced in the bodies God had given them was marred by their sin before God. But women of God, I ask you what it would look like to stand in front of the mirror each morning and be naked and unashamed. I am in right relationship with God, thanks to the sacrifice of Jesus - and yet, I look at my body and feel shameful. There is always something to find flaw in - the new acne popping up on my nose, that bulge so kindly called a "love handle," the scars on my hips that don't mark adventurous mishaps but rapid weight gain. I look at myself and try to come up with a new way to hide. Some days, it's baggy clothes and a hat, to hide my figure by blending into the background. Other days, I go the extra mile and pick out a great outfit and makeup, hoping their beauty will mask what is underneath. Eve grabbed some fig leaves and learned how to sew mighty quickly so that she could hide from God. I find it interesting though that nothing changed about her outward appearance that induced this rapid sewing frenzy - rather, a change had taken place in her heart and soul. When sin entered in, so did shame and the need to cover herself; to hide from God, Adam, and her own self the body she was formerly so free in.

Today, we suffer much because of the original fall into sin. The shame we feel about our bodies is nothing new. It is a manifestation of the sinful self we are born into, inherited from the first woman who experienced this shame. But as we come to know Christ and His sacrifice for us, and grow in our relationship with Him, I think God wants us to learn to see even our bodies as a gift from Him. Obviously, I am not advocating a confidence that begets nudity running rampant in the church. But when we think about our own bodies, and look at ourselves in the mirror, I wonder if we can learn to live like Eve did before the fall into sin - naked and unashamed, because we know that our value lies in our Savior, not in our size. She knew that, and experienced freedom and oneness with God. 

Best Friends

I miss having a best friend. I remember back in grade school how wonderful it felt when you and another girl mutually decided to be "best friends." At that age, friendships changed rapidly and a best friend didn't always keep that position in your life very long. But when they were present, it was the best feeling - to have someone to share everything in life with. Not only your secrets, but the activities you enjoyed, the silly jokes you made together, clothes and hair things. . . it was great.

Fast-forward 10 years. I've found that people my age still have best friends. However, this has started to take the form of a boyfriend or fiance or husband. The principle is the same - it feels great to have someone with which you can share life. Not only are you romantically drawn to this man, but you are also drawn in friendship. There is a bond of trust formed as you share secrets and walk through life together. He becomes your companion and supports you in the good and bad. We also have girl friends who take on this role in our life. Often they are accountability partners, classmates, or roommates. You find that one girl with whom you are comfortable to be yourself and share of yourself. Even as life becomes busier and busier, time with her is still a priority - not only because it brightens your day but because you love her and long to pour into her life.

Friendship is a vulnerable place to enter into, especially with a "best friend." The closer you become, the more potential there is for hurt. I've experienced that first hand, multiple times. And in the same way that having a companion in life is one of the most beautiful things in this life, being rejected or forgotten or set aside by someone you care for is one of the ugliest and most hurtful parts of life.

Right now, it seems like everyone else around me has a best friend. There is always at least one person who takes priority above me for each of my friends. It is a lonely feeling, to know that you aren't #1 in anyone's life. I remember this feeling from junior high and much of high school. . . longing for someone to share life with. And I have come to realize that this longing is not misplaced. We are made in the image of the Triune God and thus, wired for relationship. After all, God himself is in relationship with himself and the three persons that join together in relationship to form our God. This is something I find is imprinted on my soul and it's a desire I'm never going to be able to just ignore or push aside.

I've felt the most blessed in life when I've had a companion to share it with. But I'm beginning to see that perhaps the opposite is true. Maybe loneliness is a blessing because it allows me to learn to fulfill my desires with God. It's not impossible to do this when you do have earthly friendships and relationships . . . it's just harder. And if you are not in the habit of seeking God to fill the void in your life, those other friendships are never going to feel like enough. But as God takes on the role of Lover, companion, and best friend, I think we will find that our capacity to love and share life with others actually expands. Sharing God as your first love is the strongest bond any relationship can have.

I still miss my best friend terribly. I mourn the parts of my life that I shared, the seasons we went through together that will be lost forever to my happy memories. But Lord, teach me to use this time as a blessing and opportunity to fill my void and desires with your love, your friendship, your companionship. Be my secret-keeper, my counselor, one who desires me as I am.

Weakness

Could it be that weakness is my ultimate goal?

I see it as such an embarrassment, so painful, so hard to endure. And yet, II Corinthians 11 and 12 tell us that in our weakness, God's grace and power are seen the best. Isn't that what we want - God's glory?

If I must boast then, I will boast in my weakness.
I will boast in the fact that each night, I have to run to the Savior's arms because otherwise, sobbing overtakes me.
I will boast that I can't find the desire to live beyond today, because my sweet Lord gives me the will to live today for Him.
I will boast that I have disappointed someone who loved me deeply, because I know that God's grace is sufficient for me and His love will never, ever run out or change.
I will boast that I can't get a 4.0, because God has given me the strength to pull through some classes with B's.
I will boast that I tend to depend on loved ones too much, because God has taken that dependence and used it to show me how much I need Him.
I will boast that I don't know at all what my future holds, because that means God can do whatever He wants with it.

So much boasting. And yet, so much that the world (and even the Body of Christ) tells me I should be ashamed of.

Not tonight. Tonight, I boast that I have been wooed and won by the ultimate Lover. I am weak - then He is strong.

No Shampoo, No Conditioner, No Problem!

Cocamidopropyl betaine. Tetrasodium Edta. Methychloroisothiazol.
Names of long-extinct dinosaurs? A sci-fi author gone crazy? Guess again - it's your friendly neighborhood shampoo!
A couple weeks ago I discovered this new trend called "not-washing-your-hair-ever." Let me start with some disclaimers.
1) I am not an "environmentalist" or a fanatic "green girl."
2) I don't claim to know what these intricately named chemicals do to one's hair or scalp.
3) I don't think that this 'poo-free lifestyle is for every head of hair.

However, I do think it's just a little crazy to daily put things into your hair that you can't pronounce. I like to know what I'm doing to my body, thank you.

But back to my current hygiene habits. I haven't washed my hair with shampoo, or conditioned it in about 2.5 weeks. I've been using a solution baking soda mixed with warm water (2 ingredients, both pronounceable!) to clean my hair, about 2-3 times a week. It works really well to clean the excess oils and any actual "dirt" that has accumulated in your hair. The ratio that works best for my hair is 1 T baking soda/1.5 cups of water. I make up this solution in a recycled shampoo bottle and it lasts for about 5-6 showers (so 2-3 weeks!). This can be tweaked - thicker, curlier hair may need more baking soda, and thinner, finer hair might use less.

After about a week of just doing this, I realized that it left my hair kind of dry and not that soft, loveliness I was used to after using shampoo and conditioner. More research, and the second part of my hair regime was implemented. Apple cider vinegar. Gross, I know. The smell is horrible but it washes out like a snap when you rinse. The ratio is the same, 1 T vinegar/1.5 cups of water. I've actually tweaked this to have more vinegar. The vinegar is supposed to help detangle and "seal the cuticle" . . . I don't know what that last thing means, but it does seem to help detangle. My sources say that using honey in place of the vinegar can contribute if you find that your hair is too dry. So far, the vinegar has not amazed me with it's results. My hair hasn't been feeling very "soft" so I am tempted to try to honey.

To recap:
Wash hair with solution of 1 T baking soda/1.5 cups of warm water. This makes a liquid, not at all the consistency of "normal" shampoo. Because of this, you have to be careful and not use half a bottle in one shower! :) I pour just a little bit onto my scalp, then work it in with my fingers, adding more so that my entire scalp is covered, and some of my head of hair - I mostly focus on where the oils originate though. Then, I let it sit a while, and rinse.
Next, I take the 1 T vinegar/1 cup warm water and pour some on my scalp to condition. Again, this is a liquid. I also take care to rub it through the rest of my hair, making sure it gets the ends of my hair. I rinse that out, then presto! I'm done!

I've heard that there's a definite transition period in which your hair has to adjust it's oil-production. During this time, it may seem super oily, more dry than usual, etc. I haven't really experienced this, but like I said, my hair has seemed more dry than usual. I'm hoping that's part of my transition and will work itself out soon.

My favorite part of this is that the cost is so low! As a college student, anything I can do that saves money is greatly appreciated. And it's a way to save money without any additional work. In fact, it takes less time, because I only go through this process about 2 times a week, rather than daily.

Here are some links with more detailed information about the whole trend!

http://simplemom.net/how-to-clean-your-hair-without-shampoo/
http://babyslime.livejournal.com/174054.html#bad

In another week or so, I'll post some pictures. I'll try to do one right before I would want to wash, and then one after a wash!

Alone

December 6th, 2011 - a letter:
"I long for the intimacy and emotional bonds that come with marriage. Some days, it's especially hard knowing that God has placed this longing in me, yet at the same time does not allow me to satisfy it yet. I know that woman was designed for companionship with man, and although my overall purpose and story is much bigger than that, it still tugs at my heart. For today, I need to focus on my desire for God and how He can fill my heart's longings more than any man. It really amazes me when I stop to think about it - that these feminine desires I have were given to me as an arrow, pointing me to Who Christ is. I long for love, and God shows it. I want security and identity in someone better than I am, and being God's child provides that. I want someone to protect and comfort me, and God faithfulness is my Rock and Shield. I long to look beautiful in the eyes of the person I love, and God makes me sinless in His eyes. I want romance and adventure in life, and yet what is more romantic than the gentle wooing of Jesus' love, and the adventure of His death and resurrection. He'll never leave me or disappoint me, never grow tired of who I am or say that I'm not enough, never give up because I've gone too far beyond His love. And I say, 'my God, that is enough.'"

I think that one of the ways Satan likes to bring us down is by convincing us of loneliness. When we go through struggles and hardships, we often feel like there's no one there for us to turn to. Not only that, but it seems that our experience is unique, so even if someone was there to sympathize, they wouldn't understand. This lonely feeling leads us to some of the darkest moments in our lives.

So what can we do about our loneliness? Well, we can start by being comforted that God recognizes this feeling and actually anticipated it from the very start. Even before the fall, God looked at Adam and said that it was not good for him to be alone. He had perfect communion with God, total immersion in nature, surrounded by the fresh beauty of a new creation. . . and yet, God saw a problem. So "ta-dah!" - in comes the woman. Marriage, intimacy, companionship - these are the things God provided as a solution to being alone.

But, as in most things, the fall has marred His perfect plan. And so, we must struggle through life feeling alone, and experiencing brokenness in our relationships. Even in the best of marriages or friendships, hurt happens and trust is lost at times. How do we deal with this? How to we fight that temptation to isolate when we feel alone in our struggles, rather than bring them to light and bear each others' burdens? Being single is one of the most common "complaints" of young, Christian adults. Our Lord has placed in us that desire for companionship, and it can be so frustrating when that desire isn't fulfilled in ways we think it ought to be.

First, I think we need to embrace our desire for companionship. After all, God did! It's easy to push it aside and think that it's "weak" or un-spiritual to desire a man or woman to share our life with. However, the story of Adam and Eve, and the entire book of Song of Songs clearly shows us that love, marriage, and relationship are things that come from God, good things, that we need to accept.

I think the next step is harnessing those desires for good purposes now. Embracing those desires opens the temptation to become "antsy" and flirtatious, trying to work out the fulfillment of our desires in our own way. But even in this issue of the heart, God asks for trust. After all, He was the one who solved Adam's problem of loneliness - can't we trust him to solve our own? Let us therefore use the strength of those desires in our heart to pursue Christ. After all, we must remember that earthly relationships, even marriage, are "icing on the cake" sort of blessings, not necessities. God has given them to us as good gifts, because He designed us and understands our desires. However, He has also offered Himself for companionship and we must learn to be satisfied with that, the "cake itself", before go asking for extra. This is a life-long process, so let's begin to take part in the romance that our Savior has laid out for us.

Christmas Confusion

Some days, it really strikes me how different our Christmas holiday is from the first Christmas, when Jesus was born. It's not just the materialism and stuff that has began to personify Christmas, although granted, that is a stark contrast. When a dirty stable, full of hay and animal droppings and a young, poor couple are looked at next to my home; large, comfortable, and warm with plenty all around me, it makes me pause to think.

But this year, I've been considering how much confusion and heart-break must have surrounded that first Christmas. It began with Mary when she heard the news from the angel that she was pregnant. Her immediate response was confusion [she was greatly troubled], something I can understand. Surely, she had dreams about how her life would go - being married to Joseph and beginning a home on her own terms; living perhaps poorly, but comfortably and happily with her husband; raising a good, normal, God-honoring Jewish family. And then this - an unexpected pregnancy? That changed everything for her, and she probably felt like her dreams were shattered. I'm right there with her this year - crying out to God, "Why me? Why wasn't the future I had planned good enough? This may be better, but it doesn't seem like it right now. I don't want confusion and heart-ache - I just want a normal life with Joseph, like I had planned." And yet, in the end, her response was correct. In just that short time with the angel, she was able to submit to God. That doesn't mean she wasn't still mourning over her lost dreams, but she was accepting that God's will was superior, and recognizing that she wanted it more than she wanted her own dreams. And we know it turned out to be an amazing plan - God himself called her blessed among women, and she was.

Joseph was confused and heart-broken too. With the news of Mary's pregnancy, his dreams must have crumbled and his reputation was likely marred forever. His initial response was just like a man - do what I can to fix the problem! He chose the "proper" and right route, what God had laid out as law for the Jewish people, and something he had every right to do - "divorce" her, or break off the commitment of future marriage they had made. He must have cared about Mary, because he wanted to do it quietly, so she wasn't disgraced. We don't hear a lot about Joseph's heart in the matter, or what he felt about Mary. But when the angel came to him, he said [do not be afraid] - what was Joseph afraid of? His reputation? Being responsible for a child conceived by the Holy Spirit? Or marrying a women who was of questionable purity, and who he may not have even "loved"? I'm sure he mourned over his lost reputation, and the loss to his relationship with Mary. While they still got married, this changed the nature of that relationship forever. But again, Joseph ultimately obeyed God. Through his heart-ache and fear, he stood up and fought for his relationship with Mary, even though it was "marred" in the world's eyes. He accepted this change in plans, knowing that even though it was different, it would be better than he had imagined.

“For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,” declares the LORD. “As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts." -Isaiah 55:8-9

No matter how good or right our plans may be, God's ways are always better. I think it's appropriate to be heart-broken and confused when we discover that our plans won't come to pass. God says he is near to the broken-hearted, so it's clear that he understands it's a part of life and the human condition. I also think it's okay to mourn over our lost plans, when they were good and wholesome and of God. He made us to be creative beings, and expects that we will use our imaginations to dream of what we want in life. But ultimately, we must come to Him in humble obedience - realizing that the things life brings us (even the hard ones) are under His control. Nothing takes Him by surprise, and He promises to work all things to good for those who love Him. Quiet trust is what He asks of us.

How God has Worked [this semester]

School has been great. Loving every minute of my OB clinical experiences, and enjoying my med/surg ones too. Classes are insanely busy, especially for just 12 credits, but I'm keeping my head above water. Being busy helps time fly by and keeps my mind where it should be - not on myself.

first day of clinicals!

Friendships have continued to deepen, and I continually marvel at the people God has placed in my life here. He really has sustained me with friends this past year - so much encouragement and mutual growth. Time has not allowed to develop many new friends, but I've gotten to know a few freshmen.

I miss my family a lot this year. Not in a homesick way, as in the past, but just in that "I'm growing up" way. It makes me sad that I miss out on so much of their lives, but I do thank God for the times I've been able to go home and watch soccer/volleyball games, cuddle with the little ones, and talk with the older ones. We've skyped once, which was very exciting for all involved. :)

Mark and I have continue to grow closer in our relationship at a manageable rate. He is planning to go to graduate school next fall, probably somewhere far away, so we enjoy every moment we get together right now. 2.5 years doesn't sound like a long time, but it seems like a lifetime - hard to remember what it was like not having his calming and encouraging presence in my life, and not knowing what laughing with him was like. We've enjoyed spending more time with his family this fall, including his brother David, and sister in law, Emily.

me and Mark at a photo shoot with Nathan/Renee :)

Went to a really good sunday school lesson this weekend. He talked about how, in the Lord's Prayer, everything Jesus tells us to pray about are things that He has already promised us as believers. . . so why does He want us to pray about them? Won't they happen if we don't, since they are promised and they are God's will? He proposed that prayer is a means through which God performs his will. As we pray, God works the things He has planned for us. It's a way He has given us to be a part of what He's doing in our lives and in the lives of others, and in doing so, build relationship and intimacy with Him. Even through struggles and trials, prayer helps us gain a right perspective, not asking God to take pain away, but to use it to accomplish His will and draw us closer to His side.

"Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us."
Romans 5:3-5